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Quarter-life Crisis..

I am having a quarter-life crisis. I’ve come to the realization that I have absolutely no idea (not even the slightest) what I want to do with my life and it’s a bit scary. 

I graduated high school 9 years ago and while I have accomplished quite a bit over the years, I still am not where I thought I’d be at this point in my life. Turning 29 in about 5 months is really making me overthink and stressing myself out. I am almost 30 and my life is a mess. 

I’ve went to college twice, the first time I did graduate with my certificate in Office Administration. The second, I didn’t finish and that totally screwed up any chance for me to even go back to college if I wanted to. At this point, I honestly have no idea what I want to do as a career choice and even now if I figured out something that I wanted to do, how would I even pursue it? I can’t get funding to go back to school! 

I am stuck. I don’t know what to do moving forward. I’ve worked so many jobs in my life that have never made me truly happy as I didn’t enjoy them. Things I do enjoy doing, I can’t make money from… I mean I could but it would take a long time and honestly I would need money to invest in them if I really wanted to make a career from it. 

What can I do to figure stuff out? How can I be truly happy with my life? 

Everything is a mess. My life is a mess. 

I understand that there is no set timeline of when you are suppose to have your life and shit together, but society plays a major part in that and makes you think that you need to have your life and shit together by 30 and I believe that is why so many people in there 20s are going through quarter life crisis. Many people, sadly, don’t know what they want and that fact that there is so much pressure put on you to have a career, get married, buy a house, and have children all by 30-35 is making everyone enter into a depression. 

For someone who already struggles with anxiety and depression, this just takes the cake. How many more things can I add to my never ending thought process before I have a breakdown? I am strong and have weaved my way through many moments in my life where I thought for sure I was gonna have a breakdown but I fought it and came through. But at the same time, you can only fight for so long before it takes a huge toll on you. 

I have so many questions that my mind races through everyday. 

Like: How do you push through societies rules about life or whatever you want to call it? How do you break away from the mold that society wants you to become? How do you stop living a life to please others and start doing it for yourself? Why do I care so much about what others think of me? How can I make money? What kind of career do I want? What will make me happy? And so on and so on. 

It’s tough. And honestly I’m just taking life one day at time and hopefully one day I’ll stumble upon something that will make me happy and I’ll know what I want. That’s all any of us can do at this point. 

I’ll write soon!

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The Big Changes. 

In my last post I promised I would make a blog post when I was able to tell the news of the big changes that are happening. Today is that day! 

I am moving! And you might think it’s just a little move or just moving not to far.. well it’s actually quite far and completely out of Nova Scotia! Yeah, I know it’s a  really big change but it’s going to be great. 

I am officially done at my current job on Friday, so I only have 2 days left after today. It’s crazy how fast time is flying by but I am excited and a little nervous but mainly excited. I have lived in Nova Scotia my whole life, so moving to a new province is a pretty big step for me… actually a HUGE step. 

The decision to move out of Nova Scotia was well thought out, we knew we wanted to just didn’t know when. When we figured out our timeline we knew we wanted to do it as soon as possible and just jumped on the plan. Packing and selling everything has been a huge task lol and one that is very timeconsuming, but we don’t need our stuff. We are going to be driving to our new destination (which remains a secret until we start the adventure) so we can only take the neccessities and stuff we want to keep. 

Anyways guys, I have to go now and start working. I will be keeping updated blogs of the journey with pictures, so keep checking back. 

Big Changes… 

It’s been a long while since I made a post and I guess it’s about that time, although a short one.

So, big changes are happening in my life in the very near future! And unfortunately I cannot share the details yet, but I promise within the next couple weeks you will be hearing all about it! 🙂 

Anyways guys, I will write very soon! 

Opening up, Growing up & Friendships.

I have a hard time opening up to people and most of all trusting them. At this point in my life I am tired of putting effort into relationships (friendships etc.) that don’t mean anything. I have trusted way too many people in the past with secrets and various other things and have always ended up getting hurt because they, I guess weren’t into it and I didn’t matter. It’s like people forget that you have feelings.
I finally have a great relationship where I feel truly myself, and where I don’t have to hold back opening up. I can tell my boyfriend anything and truly open up about things and not have to worry about being judged or made to feel like I am less of a normal person. He doesn’t judge me or laugh at me, he understands.
Over the years I have had many friendships and to be completely honest, most of those friendships are non-existent now and I don’t even have any contact with them but that is ok because I don’t want toxic or fake friends.
I want the kind of friends who I can truly trust, open up to wholeheartedly and most of all not feel judged. I like to consider myself as a great friend (I am not trying to be conceited) to others. I am always there for my friends and I always accept them and never judge. I always listen, and I always make sure they know that they can trust me.

At 28 years old, I realize that I am tired. Tired of putting in effort to any kind of relationship with anyone who isn’t truly in it. I am sick of drama, lies, the talking behind your back and every other little catty bullshit thing that happens. I am almost 30 years old, I have grown up a lot the last couple years and am tired of all the childish bullshit that is caused with it all. I am done.

I don’t want friends and as harsh as that sounds and maybe makes me look like I am a cranky ass bitch, then so be it. I am not afraid to admit that I am a loner and a homebody. I hate actually leaving my house – no joke! If I could stay in my house 24/7 and only leave when I truly want to because I am content and happy with who I am with when I leave the house then thats perfectly fine by me. But, I love being in my house and am perfectly ok with getting take out or cooking or baking and watching movies.
Now I am not saying that I don’t want to go out and hang with friends, because yes with family and friends who I trust etc. I am more than happy to go out shopping or to a movie or simply whatever because I know that they also understand when I reply with “no, I don’t feel like going out.” I will even invite them over to my house to hang out inside or they will invite me over.
I want friends like that.

But… the reality is that at my age it becomes a bit harder to find new friends because it is exhausting and I mean truly exhausting to have awkward conversations with people about who I am and explain into detail the things about me that a lot of people just don’t understand. And those things can sometimes push people away because apparently I am not normal or I am too much to deal with. And learning to open up to people and trusting them is even more exhausting.
But, I am ok with that. I am ok with having a select few friends because honestly family is the most important thing to me anyway and those select friends are pretty much family to me.

I am just done. I am done with any and all drama, I don’t want it. I avoid it. And I am done with fake ass people – actually people in general. It’s exhausting.

I am who I am. I am a loner and I enjoy it. I don’t like people. I avoid a lot of things especially things I don’t like or am afraid of. So yes, I am at a point in my life where I am avoiding friends. It’s too much hassle. But, I am happy and thats all that matters.

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I know I am opening up to whoever is reading this blog post but it’s different, entirely different. I can open up when I write because I like to write what I feel and I feel like putting it out there for the world to view and read is my way of letting others who feel the exact same way know that they aren’t alone. And people should know that they aren’t alone with their thoughts and feelings to certain things.

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Thinking. Life. Getting Older. The Future.

The moment when you start to think about your life in more light and realize that you are 28 and have no accomplished a majority of the things you wanted to accomplish in your life by this point. I am two years away from turning 30. For years and years, I always thought of how I wanted my future to unfold and the things I wanted to accomplish or have happen before I turned 30. None of that has happened and I know life isn’t some set plan and that things sometimes just don’t work out, but there comes a point in your life when you really start to look back and think, “wow, I really need to figure some shit out in my life as I do not want to live this way for the rest of my life.”

I am not saying that I am not unhappy with some of the decisions and choices I have made over the years, because honestly I have become a better person because of those choices, etc. BUT, I am saying the there are certain aspects of my life that I wish were different.
I am generally happy with most of my life at this point. I am happy with my job as I finally have a full time job, and I have my own place with my boyfriend who I can definitely see a future with – as in marriage, etc. At the same though, I really wish I had a career doing something that I really enjoy but I unfortunately haven’t lucked out and found that one thing yet. After two failed attempts at college and $25,000 later, you kind of lose a little hope and it sucks when you are unable to even get funding to take another college course because you are at the max of funding you can receive for college programs. SO, even if I did end up lucking out and really figuring out exactly what I want to do and it’s a college course I wouldn’t be able to take it as funding isn’t an option at this point.

Reality has started to set in that I am probably going to be working retail jobs for the rest of my life, and I by no means am saying thats a bad thing but at some point you do get tired of it and I really believe that point is slowing catching up to me. You can only deal with the retail word for so long before it becomes an issue in your life and you just cannot take it anymore. All I have done was work in retail, most were part time. This is my first full time job and yes it is in retail. A lotto booth to be exact, so it’s not all that bad, but I know 100% that my time is coming where I am just not going to want to work in retail anymore as it takes a lot out of a person to deal with everything retail has to offer.

I also know that there are MANY people who don’t really know what they want to do until they are in their 40s and then decide to go back to school and pursue it. I just don’t really want to wait that long. I want children before I am 35 if lucky and that is pushing it, because I wanted them before I turned 30 but the chances of that happening is not looking too great so I pushed that up to 35 – still hoping for sooner than 35 though.

I have been highly debating on moving out west with my boyfriend once he hopefully gets his course in Heavy Equipment as he would make way better money out there then he can where we currently live. When that happens, I will still have to work in retail as that is all I can do but they do have a lot of better jobs etc.

Everything has been putting me into a depressive set and I have been getting frequent migraines because of it. I just don’t know what to do about things anymore. I guess I will just keep going about my daily routine, etc. and figure things out little by little I hope.

Talk soon,

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I’m a horrible blogger.. 

I am a horrible blogger BUT I do have valid reasons as to why. I am working a full time job now and my schedule is a bit crazy as I work at least two 12 hour shifts per week and then 2-3 6 hours and every second week I’ll work a 8 hour on Sunday, when it’s my weekend to work. It’s not too bad and I have to admit it’s so much better than my last job. 

So yeah, I don’t have a whole lot of free time and when I do I pretty much relax and spend time with my boyfriend/family, but I really do want to continue to blog about my life and I do want to start doing more hauls and reviews on products as I love doing that! 🙂 

I did order a couple things online and plan to do some reviews on them etc. when they finally arrive. The one thing about ordering stuff from China is that it takes FOREVER to come. Hoping for this week, but I am not getting my hopes up on that as it says it could be up until Feb 5th before it shows, but who knows. 

Anyways guys, I am on break at work and I think it’s about that time that I find something to keep me occupied and busy. I am here for a full 12 hour shift today, so 8-8 and back at it again tomorrow 8-8. 

Write soon! 

Pain, Pain, Go AWAY! :(

Hey loves ❤

As you can tell by the title, I am talking about pain and I don’t mean just a little bit of pain either. I am in A LOT of pain. I was suppose to work today but I have been in a lot of pain since yesterday and barely slept last night because I could not for my life of me get comfortable and the pain was just too much!
I am having a lot of pain in my lower back and it is constant, it is more like an achy pain than an actual pain but still none the less it is very uncomfortable and hard to do ANYTHING, let alone sleep longer than 2-3 hours. I usually sleep on my side but I have been unable to for the last while because it hurts so I really can only sleep on my back and that involves a lot of moving around and constantly adjusting my body in a position that is fairly comfortable enough to stay still.

Today I spent the majority of my day on bed rest because walking around just hurts and eventually I get pain that goes into my thighs and up the sides of my back. It is not a fun time. I remember years ago, I had some back issues, not nearly as bad as what it is now but I remember when I would lay down my lower back would kind of lock up and I would have to lift my whole body up off the bed slowly just to re-adjust to a different position. I did have x-rays done and apparently they said I had a slight curve in my spine. So, I am pretty sure that is what it still is, but I am not sure if it has gotten worse over the years or what! I have never experienced pain this bad and that lasted this long, like I am not exaggerating when I say it is constant because I do not go a day without that achy pain. 😦

To top that all off, I have been experiencing pain in my left knee and every so often it will just give out on me when I am standing. I just like the SHOOTING pain going through it, and although it isn’t constant – THANK GOD! – it still is very much annoying and it does tend to bother me when standing for long periods of time, not so much when walking as I am constantly moving, it is when I am standing around.

I have come to the conclusion that I am breaking apart haha. I am only 28 but honestly my outside body for the most part makes me feel like I am 50+ lol

I do plan on making a trip to either outpatients or a walk in clinic since I don’t have a family doctor at the moment, but it is very hard to get to the hospital because it isn’t within walking distance. My best bet is walk in clinic as they are within walking distance but they are open odd hours on weekends and today I was just in WAY too much pain to venture over there. Tomorrow before work I might end up making a trip over, but it is hard because sometimes you end up having to wait 2+ hours before even getting in and then sometimes they won’t even let you in because of too many people. 😦

I am not in a good situation at this point and it is making life a bit difficult on top of my life already being difficult and not going right! 😦 I just wish one of these days SOMETHING in my life would just work out for the better as I am seriously getting tired of living in a constant rut. I try not to complain about life because YES, bad times happen to everyone and there are a lot of people worse off than me, but again, everyone is different and everyone handles stress and life events differently and when you have depression and anxiety those bad times in life seem 1000x worse than they are and can at times feel like your world is crashing in around you. So it is rough!

I just try my best to stay positive, but some days the stresses of life mixed with my depression and anxiety take over and I almost have a mental breakdown.
Anyone who is suffering with anything similar to me, remember you aren’t alone. ❤
And if you ever need someone understanding to talk to, please don’t hesitate to contact me on any of my social media accounts. 🙂

Anyways loves, I am going to go put my magic bag on my back and relax while watching a Christmas movie. I’ll write soon!

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